Happy Birthday Cardo Man!

Our little Cardo Man turned 5 this last week and it seems like a big birthday for our little man. 5 seems like the age he has officially become a "big boy".   He has grown so much in the last 22 months we have been blessed to be is family.  When he came to us he came with warnings from his worker and the prior two foster families he had been placed with that he might be severely disabled and have a host of other problems. 

I think he is absolutely perfect.

He was scared and lost.

While it has sometimes not been easy and there are things that he will continue to struggle with for years to come as a result of some of the circumstances of his early life (impulse control....no jumping off the furniture, again today).  He amazes us with his resilience and just plain appetite for life and fun.  We are so, so lucky to be his family.

He has developed healthy attachments and trusts us now to be there for him, and you can see it in how he is growing.  His world is stable again and he is free to just be a little boy.  And there is nothing better than the spontaneous hugs and I love yous that he feels safe to give to us, that say you're  my mommy and daddy.

Pure joy.

We weren't there for his birth or his first three birthdays but I look at him now and think, how did we live each day before our Cardo Man?

Cardo Man and the awesome robot cake Hot Mama made for him.

I'm 5!

Seriously, could he be any cuter?

Buddies.

Back at Fremont Market!

About 8 years ago I started making a living, creating and selling art and home decor items, mostly from reclalimed, or reused items.  I started in the Fremont Sunday market in the Fremont neighborhood of Seattle and since then have sold at many markets and art fairs, opened my own store and sold to many other stores & gallerys.  When we moved back to the Seattle area in September I was excited to come back as a vendor at the Fremont Market.   Creating art has been a great way to be at home with the kids, make money, do something creative, and involve the kids in the process of creating something from stuff that would be junk, and how to run a business.  Some of our best memories as a family have been of early morings heading out to a craft or art fair and the fun people we meet there. 

I have debated whether to start another blog to show and talk about the art I create, Capable Father has turned out to be really personal thoughts on what it is like to be a dad, to adopt, and grow a family that came from lots of different places. 

In the end I have decided to put it all together here, If you follow because the story of adoption and parenting resonates with you then I hope you like some of projects I will feature.  If you have met me at market and are interested the creative stuff then maybe you will be able to take a new look at large families, adoption and foster care.  Either way I hope you like it, it is impossible to seperate it all in real life becuase making and selling art is what makes it possible for our family to have a parent at home and for us that's necessary. 

I also love that every week my kids see that you can take things that were discarded by others and with a little love and time can make those things into something beautiful, a perfect message for my family.

Anyway here are some of the pics from this weekend, and a couple of before and afters.

Boo Boo was the market helper this week, great chance for some one on one time with my awsome girl who is on the verge of becoming more a young women than my little girl anymore.  She did a great job helping customers, helping set up and taking all the pictures this week.

Gorgous green!

Mid-century chairs with an update

This table went home to California with a customer

Love the pattern with the black, like framing art!

Some of the Jewelry I make from found objects.

The "you've got my number" desk.  I'll be posting pictures of the whole process I used to make this desk soon.

Birds on a wire, simple and beautiful.

Creepy clowns!  I told my kids this was our new time out chair!

"You've got my number" desk again.

Before....

After.

So there is a peek at what we did this weekend, I would say that it went well because we only took home 2 chairs and sold everything else! 

First year, year of firsts.

This last week we had an anniversary, the 1 year anniversary of our official adoption of Gelly, Cardo Man and Bitsy.  What a year it has been, full of firsts for them and the whole rest of the family.  A great year, a challenging year. 

I have thought a lot about what to say about this last year, the joy of being able to experience all the firsts with Gelly, Cardo, and Bitsy, the healing I have seen in them.  The pride I have felt in the older kids as they embrace their new rolls as siblings.  The challenges that come from going from 5 kids to 9 in just a year.  The new things that Hot Mama and I have learned about parenting our unique family. 

I wasn't sure, and could write a whole novel on all the things that has happened and been felt in that year.

I was at the store the other day and got the common question "are they adopted?"  Yes, some of them.  was my answer.  The the ridiculous response that I have heard on several occasions.  "I have always wanted to adopt, but I worry I wouldn't love them as much as my real kids"

Really?

I wanted to go all rabid papa bear on her but just said they are all my "real" kids.

That helped me decide what our one year post would be.

So here is a peek into our daily life over the last amazing year with all our real kids, our real family, and our real love.

If your thinking about adoption there are more than 100,000 kids in foster care that are waiting for permanent families.

Thats right, I speak baby.

I had one of the most satisfying experiences this week.  It involved speaking baby.

I know that I can meet the needs of the kids but people are constantly still talking about the special bond that mothers have with their baby's, which is true don't get me wrong; but often its stated in a way that implies that dads just can't do this.  Not so.

I was cooking dinner and paying attention to the pots on the stove, Boo Boo was watching Jack-Jack for me.  She came into the room and said he was fussing and didn't know what was wrong with him.  I didn't even need to turn around to look at him to know that the whimpers he was making were his "my diaper is poopy" whimpers.  Sure enough, diaper at poo poo capacity.

Big deal, yeah it kind of was.  It was about love and connection, listening.  For me it was an actual manifestation of the bond between parent and child.  When you can communicate with your baby it just feels good.  It says I hear you, I will spend the time to understand you, and I will be there when you need me.  It reinforced that connection and made me love him even more, if that was possible

It made me think about the other kids, not just baby speak.  We have just moved and really not much can be more stressful for kids that all the adjustments that come with that.  Do I speak pre-schooler, grade school, middle school, and high school?  I pray that I will be able to recognize what they need as well as I can understand the difference between hungry, sleepy, poopy cries. 

So for all my kiddos I promise I will try to hear you , I will spend the time to understand you, and I will be there when you need me. 

However, if I get a poopy cry from one you older kids...your on your own.

Clean diapers are the best!

Dad, can I be done watching the kids now?

Don't waste anything!

We have a large family and have chosen to have a stay at home parent and a career in education..... so we make sure to economize were we can.  This means clipping coupons, standing in line for a half hour at the walmart getting them to match ads.  Buying in bulk, buying second hand, checking the free listings on craigslist regularly, wearing hand-me-downs and generally trying to get everything on sale.

This week one of my kids really drove home how much they are learning from our fiscal habits; that they are learning not to be wasteful and look for opportunities to economize.

Buggy was doing her homework on the computer when one of the twins walked by and asked why she was deleting the text out of an old word document of hers.  Her indignant response in that your so
dumb tone  "what? you don't need it anymore and I don't want to waste it by opening new file!"  I just about died laughing!

It did give me a good idea though, next week I am adding washing the paper plates to the list of family chores.  Oh, and do you think you can put paper towels in the dryer?

My beautiful, thrifty buggy.

Nine turns one!

Baby Jack-Jack turned a whole year old this week. We just had his birthday party and it has me thinking about how he came to our family, how much we love him and the journey it has been to be his daddy.
Tall boy is Jack-Jack's older brother, and was our foster child for almost a year. While he was in our home his mother was permanently a resident at a state mental institution. Sad. Late summer/ early fall of last year we found out that she was pregnant again. Needless to say this was shocking, how, why, who is in charge of this person who cannot care for herself?? They were not sure how far along she was and there were concerns because she was being medicated for several conditions.

Hot Mama and I talked about how sad it was that another child was being brought into this family that had struggled with every aspect of life for so long.... wondered what would happen to this new person coming from a lineage of such disfunction. It never occurred to us that we would be asked to care for him.

Oct. 4 2010 the caller ID says State of Utah, not unusual.... lots of foster kids in the house. Three about to complete adoption in just a couple of weeks. Meetings, parent visits, worker visits. This call was going to be some other date I would need to remember. I grabbed my calendar and sat down to take some notes.
The voice on the other end of the line was Tall Boys worker.

"Hi Brandon, Sad Mom had her baby last night, we were wondering if you would be able to pick him up this afternoon or in the morning"?

Shock. Goosebumps. I might have even laughed.

We had assumed that another family had already been selected, had not considered for even one minute that we would have this baby in our home.

I think I stammered asked some relevant questions about health and sex and said that yes, we would pick him up and take care of him for the next couple of days while they figured out where he would be going on a more permanent basis. My heart said, my baby was born and I wasn't there to hold him and my brain said we have 9 kids in the house already, the youngest just a year old in June, and a Tall Boy with such intense needs...how will this work?

Hot Mama was finishing her last semester at BYU, in class so I couldn't call her. When I picked her up from that school that night I said "mind if we go by the hospital on the way home?"

We got to the hospital, got checked in as the foster parents and they rolled in a tiny premature 5lb 3oz bald baby boy. Skinny arms and legs because he was in the world sooner than he should have been. The birth had been hard, not from a physical standpoint but Sad Mom was scared, not understanding that she was pregnant, yelling at the staff and then at the baby that she was sure could not have come from her. It hurts my heart that those were his first moments.

We held him close, changed him, talked softly to him and mourned what he had already lost. That first moment when the precious child so anxiously awaited is welcomed by his family the soft words and snuggles, a warm breast after the hard work of being born. He fell asleep and we put him back in his isolet without a name and headed home. He was having trouble feeding because of his size so would be spending a few days in the hospital.

On the ride home we tried to convince ourselves that we would be a good spot for this little baby for the next few days while they found him a more permanent placement, deep down I think we both knew that he was already ours.

Over then next couple of days I would go in and hold and feed him in the morning and at lunch and then we would go back with some of the other kids at night to put him to bed. Mooster and
Boo Boo were the first to go. It was one of the most special experiences of my life.

We go there and they wheeled out his little isolet, and I can only describe it as souls recognizing each other. Moo and Boo Boo both started to cry, and coo over the baby. We went into the nursing room and they were feeling such intense feelings. I asked them why they were crying and Boo Boo said, a baby should never come into the world like this, alone without a name. Moo said he felt the spirit really strongly that he was ours. He said , "I think that our family has enough love for 20 kids.... to bad there's not enough time for that many." If you could feel love as a palpable presence it was in that room.

The bonding had started, or who knows maybe their souls did recognize each other, but from that first moment they saw him, he was their little brother and they were ready to protect and care for him.

We got him home soon and within a couple of days called the worker and told her, don't look for another home, he is home. There were some trials, regulations about placement with our other adoption just 2 weeks away and questions about if our Jack-Jack should stay with us if Tall Boy went back home to their dad. But we had a great, loving worker who advocated for us and our baby and recognized that he was where he should be. We will always be grateful to her. Our adoption was complete 6 months later with the blessing of the biological family.

He has been a delight everyday of his life! Having him brought so much joy to the whole family. Every time I look at him, smiley faced, cover in food, sleeping with his bum in the air it almost hurts how much I love this boy and how surprised and blessed I feel to be his daddy. LOVE HIM!

Someone actually called my house and said, "I know you weren't planning on this but would you like to be a new dad today?" How lucky am I!

Having him makes me look at the path of my life, of our family and wonder at the twists and turns and the amazing surprises you sometimes find is sad places. We have been blessed to adopt four of the most amazing kids ever, its impossible to imagine our family without them....but for them to be with us means there was sadness and failure, pain and trauma. It's a strange combination, but we rise from the ashes, or maybe lift each other from the ashes, and all become stronger.....together.

Happy Birthday Baby Jack-Jack.



Just one day old.

Six months old, adoption day.

The whole family on adoption day, Jack-Jack slept through most of it.

After the adpotion when we told him it was official.

Seven months, the first time he noticed the leaves outside his window.

Eight months old, adorable!

One year old!  This is the sock monkey cake Hot Mama made him.  Sock monkeys were his are his favorite, he likes the big red smile.... its cute becuase he smiles back at the big red smile and the monkeys red bum.

Cake!

What a big boy!

Happy birthday my boy.

Could I do it?

We had our big birthday bash this weekend,  the one for Gelly turning 6 and Bitsy turning 2. The one with all the family, adoptive and birth.  In the past there have been lots of family at these events but this time it was a smaller group.  Mama S (birth mom) Auntie S and a couple of cousins were all that were able to make it from the birth side of the family.  I love the extended family but it was nice to have fewer people there this time because we were also saying goodbye. 

We will be moving to Seattle soon, and while we only get together a few times a year with Mama S and will make sure to continue to visit at least once a year, it still feels sad.  Our close proximity to one another gave a sense of security that we will all be losing.

The party was nice, we were able to talk and laugh together, enjoy seeing how much our kids have grown over the last couple of months.  The boys were anxious the couple of days before the visit but were really happy to see Mama S when she got there.  Mama S always impresses me at our visits, she brings the kids gifts but not as bribes, as genuine tokens of affection.  She takes her time and lets the kids come to her on their own terms, never pushes.  She keeps it positive and happy for them, even though I know her heart is breaking.  It always makes me wonder how different things might have been for her if someone had been there at the right time to help her.

I know that it doesn't really compare but I had to say goodbye to one of my kids today and it made me think about Mama S.  Hot Mama and Mooster, our 9 year old, were leaving for Seattle today.  They are going a month before the rest of the family so that Hot Mama can start work and get the house situated while the rest of us tie up all the loose ends here in Utah.  Mooster has been dad's buddy from the moment he was born, we are together all the time.  So having him leave, even for a month, was hard for both of us.  I am a cryer, I have tried to control it but then my face just does this ridiculous contorted grimace thing that is even worse than crying, so there were tears.

It made my heart ache for Mama S.  She does not have her kids because she does not love them, she loved them enough to know she could not provide what they needed to thrive.

 How does she bear it?  Saying goodbye to your precious babies. 

It made me think, could I do it?  Could I admit that they would be better off with someone else, or would I have selfishly kept them?  Would I disappear from their lives after so I would  not have to deal with the pain every time I see them?  Would I be mad at the family that gets to hold them and love them everyday?  I don't know.

So here I am learning things about life from Mama S, someone that when we started this, I never thought that I could learn something from.  Learning about making sacrifices for the ones you love even when it hurts.  About being brave, not giving up and moving on even when everyone is judging you to be a failure.  About being a good parent.

At the end of the day when I was putting Gelly to bed I asked him what his favorite part of the day was, was it his new toys, the cupcakes, going swimming....what was his favorite.

He said "Seeing my mommy S." 

I said "yeah, that was nice"

He gave me a big hug and held on a little longer than usual and said,  "yeah, I still love her."

I know you love her buddy, the funny thing is so do I.