Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Let Me In

I want to say thanks to Hot Mama for the fathers day post, what a great fathers day gift!

I have had a few emails asking for more details about the Seattle move.  Hot Mama got a will be working as a principal at a school near the Woodland Park Zoo.  We would love to live within a reasonable drive/bus distance to her work so Seattle readers if you know of something for rent that would accommodate my family of 11 for a reasonable amount please let us know!  We are trying to make it to Seattle by Aug. 1.  Thanks!

Update on the ballroom tryouts for the older girlies, all three made teams! This is such a relief to know that they will continue to dance at one of the best ballroom studios in the country.  Good work girls!  I guess this means I will continue to perfect my hair and make-up skills,  I'm not sure that will ever show up on my resume. 

Gelly, Cardo Man, and Bitsy have come so far in such a short period that sometimes I get complacent. I forget that they need special parenting.  I forget the amount of trauma that they carry with them. The loss and fear that still effects how they see the world.  I forget that even though I am totally attached to them and love them as though they had always been with us; they are still dealing with issues of attachment. 

They have lost mommy and daddy before so sometimes they worry it will happen again.

We are coming up on another visit with birth mom and visits open wounds as well as heal them.  While I truly believe it is the best thing for them to continue to have contact with her when we get close to a visit and after a visit you can see the stress in the kids actions.  Cardo Man will bang his head on the wall when he gets frustrated and wet his pants.  Gelly starts to lie, hoard food and get really clingy.  He has night mares that police come, take us away, and cut him with a knife.  He becomes sensitive about where all the kids are at.  Bitsy is only 2 but she becomes aggressive and throws tantrums. 

Not easy things to see your kids going through.  What do you do when you find your 6 year old hiding in the yard eating an entire package of hot dogs he has shoved in his pockets?  What do you do when your 4 year old wets his pants and bangs his head on the wall because you said no you can't have a balloon right now?  You love them, you hold them and stay there for them.  You think carefully about why they are acting the way they are and proceed carefully.  Their fears are real, I don't want to make it worse by responding the wrong way.

The truth is, this is really hard.  As a parent of traumatized kids I am constantly in a state of second guessing and trying to do the best that I can.  You find yourself re-thinking every time-out, "was that a normal naughty behavior, or is he feeling insecure and I should have responded more gently?" 

I MUST get this right for them.

They call me daddy, give me hugs, come to me when they are hurt or scared.  They know that I love them, that I will protect them.  But sometimes in their eyes I still see the fear that maybe one day I won't be there for them.  A little lingering apprehension saying, I must protect a bit of my heart to survive just in case you hurt me.

I would give anything for them to know I would never hurt them.  That there is nothing they could do that would make me leave them. But I will have to settle for having time, time to heal wounds, time to grow bonds that will someday let me into that last little bit of their hearts.

1 comment:

  1. Great post. Saw you on circle of "moms". The line is a tough one, what is trauma behavior, what is normal kid behavior, how do you handle it all. I struggle with it too.